The sheer exhaustion of having a narcissistic parent, sending you lots of love and strength. No one will ever be as upset as them, as hurt as them, they will always be the victim no matter what. It’s a real burden in your life so I fully empathise
I read about how children of narcissists never rebel properly, which means that their parents still treat them the same as when they were children. Rebelling is a crucial stage of development for children because it allows them to get out from under their parents, gain a bit of objectivity on them and build a new relationship based more on being peers rather than dependents.
I never rebelled because there was too much pressure. I did move away for university which was a kind of half measure, but we went right back into it for the brief periods when I moved home. It's taken most of my adult life but I slowly whittled her down to low contact. If she starts that shit with my son, our relationship is over.
There are no easy solutions, but I hope you find something that gives you some peace.
Sending you lots of love. Classic case of narcissist parenting. You know, I never imagined that parents especially mothers could be evil and one could hate their mother until I met my husband.
While reading your post, I felt like it's him writing this. Exact same story. I feel you and you deserve to live your life your way. Don't let anyone put that guilt on you
You got a new sub!! I could feel every single word you wrote. I’m sorry that’s the kind of mom you have. My mom had her own issues too leading me into foster care and it really sucked, and she evolved into an amazing mom and grandma and I miss her daily. The kind of verbal and emotional abuse you endured is far worse imo and that you still suffer through it as an independent woman and mother yourself, I know that is hard. All I can say is try your best to keep her close but far bc one day you may miss her. Boundaries to keep her in your life on your terms to protect your mental wellbeing are essential. Not living close to her is probably the best like you’ve chosen. Also, try to understand it’s not personal even though it hurts like hell- it’s a projection of her own demons and how she feels about herself.
I can’t believe I never replied to this! I swear I meant to! But thank you so so much for the comment and the sub!!! It means a lot and I’m happy to hear you had some good times with your mom to remember. ❤️
This hit me hard. The honesty, the rage, the ache, all of it. Thank you for putting words to feelings so many of us carry but rarely say out loud. Your courage in sharing this is a gift. 💝
I know its a simple line, but I really could feel the emotion behind that, "FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK YYYYOOOOUUU!!!"
This must have felt awesome to release.
I've had my own Mom and Mother-in-law issues, and I can say with confidence it feels good to actually tell them how you feel and then set real boundaries. My relationship with my mom has been strained over the past few years because I finally told her how I felt and then didn't take calls for about 6 months. It hurt to hurt her, but It's also not my responsibility to just take her bullshit. I think it worked out for the better for both of us. She's made real efforts to fix the problem. I'm really proud she stopped try to be waiting back home for me and my sister (neither of us need it), and she moved out to NM like she always wanted to.
One day, you should write your mom a letter and share some of this with her. I have a complicated relationship with mine too.
I’m not as generous as you with big things like helping her get a car or a house, but I’ve been supporting her financially since I was a teenager. It’s always felt like I’m the adult and she’s the child. Just be careful not to let her take advantage of you emotionally, financially, or physically.
I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries with mine since becoming a mom. It’s definitely hard because I want to be compassionate but she always drives me up the motherfucking wall. 😆
Thank you for this, and well done for expressing it. I know the pain of a narcissistic mother well. They, unfortunately, have no interest in changing and will never do so. The best you can learn to do is stand up for yourself and know you are not what they judge you to be - you are good enough. I cut my mother out of my life in my 20s and, for me, it was the best thing I've ever done. I don't miss her at all. Hang in there. X
Thank you so much, Lisa, for your kind words. This was difficult for me to hit publish on, I had no idea I’d get this kind of warm response from people. It really means a lot. I’ve literally never known how to talk about this to anyone but my best friend, and even then, I’ve been embarrassed to talk about it. It’s hard for me because it’s never been like textbook abuse, I wasn’t beaten physically or neglected. I know my mom cares and means well, she’s not a bad person at the end of the day, she’s just a kid who had a kid too young and never emotionally matured and she did the best she could. So I always felt triple guilty talking badly about her, but suffering in silence is agonizing.
Nobody should have to suffer in silence. It's okay to have boundaries and to talk about how things affect you. Sounds like your mum is a bit different to mine, who simply isn't a good person unfortunately. Thank you, you've inspired me to share a bit about my upbringing and life on my notes. You're right, it is difficult to hit that button, but it is nice not to have to hide!
I know how hard it is to be stuck in the guilt – I had a flareup of guilt for being no contact when my brother and sister both stopped talking to her because she is such an unbelievable monster.
Got through it though.
Just want to say, my note was not meant to be advise to you to go no contact at this particular moment, but was more of a general upwelling of my relief that I’m no contact and a continuing commitment to myself to never have anything to do with her because she’s so unspeakably vile.
All this to say, wow, can I relate!! These trolling, phenomenally violent, horrifyingly mentally damaged mothers annihilate us in ways that are extremely difficult to articulate, live with and heal from.
Telling the truth about what absolute torturers they are is the first step.
We are their children, not their therapists!
It is not our jobs to extend empathy and compassion to someone whose absolute goal in life is to kill us, to murder our souls, crucify our hearts and grind our spirits into dust.
I’ve had a full on “fuck you” moment a few times to mine. I still get triggered when I need to speak to her. She gave me borderline tendencies and ADHD from the environment I was in as well as social anxiety …I’m trying to release the rage but it’s not easy.
OMG thank you SO much! I’m absolutely blown away by the response to this. I never intended to write something like this and publish it, I just broke one day and I needed to get things off my chest or I’d explode. I was terrified to hit publish too. I’m grateful that you can empathize but also I’m sorry you have to deal with this too. Sending you hugs!
I truly feel your pain—deeply and completely. We’re in the same boat. Over time, I’ve learned to set boundaries and keep my distance, but even then, the emotions can be overwhelming. No matter how much anger or resentment we carry, our soft hearts still drift back to the memories… to the thought of them. And just like that, the walls we built begin to crumble, and we find ourselves having to rebuild again—this time while dealing with hateful messages that only add to the hurt.
In my case, it hasn’t just been my parents. My siblings have also sided with them, leaving me isolated and on the outside. I cut ties with my entire family three and a half years ago, but the jealousy they carry toward me still lingers. It shows in the cruel texts they send—triggered by things I may never understand.
Sometimes, I wish I could see the world through their eyes—just to make sense of it. Because I can’t understand how someone can have children and yet feel no care for them… not even love.
The sheer exhaustion of having a narcissistic parent, sending you lots of love and strength. No one will ever be as upset as them, as hurt as them, they will always be the victim no matter what. It’s a real burden in your life so I fully empathise
I read about how children of narcissists never rebel properly, which means that their parents still treat them the same as when they were children. Rebelling is a crucial stage of development for children because it allows them to get out from under their parents, gain a bit of objectivity on them and build a new relationship based more on being peers rather than dependents.
I never rebelled because there was too much pressure. I did move away for university which was a kind of half measure, but we went right back into it for the brief periods when I moved home. It's taken most of my adult life but I slowly whittled her down to low contact. If she starts that shit with my son, our relationship is over.
There are no easy solutions, but I hope you find something that gives you some peace.
Sending you lots of love. Classic case of narcissist parenting. You know, I never imagined that parents especially mothers could be evil and one could hate their mother until I met my husband.
While reading your post, I felt like it's him writing this. Exact same story. I feel you and you deserve to live your life your way. Don't let anyone put that guilt on you
You got a new sub!! I could feel every single word you wrote. I’m sorry that’s the kind of mom you have. My mom had her own issues too leading me into foster care and it really sucked, and she evolved into an amazing mom and grandma and I miss her daily. The kind of verbal and emotional abuse you endured is far worse imo and that you still suffer through it as an independent woman and mother yourself, I know that is hard. All I can say is try your best to keep her close but far bc one day you may miss her. Boundaries to keep her in your life on your terms to protect your mental wellbeing are essential. Not living close to her is probably the best like you’ve chosen. Also, try to understand it’s not personal even though it hurts like hell- it’s a projection of her own demons and how she feels about herself.
Oh….and I like the swears. 💜
I can’t believe I never replied to this! I swear I meant to! But thank you so so much for the comment and the sub!!! It means a lot and I’m happy to hear you had some good times with your mom to remember. ❤️
LOL- no worries. I do it too and completely understand.
This hit me hard. The honesty, the rage, the ache, all of it. Thank you for putting words to feelings so many of us carry but rarely say out loud. Your courage in sharing this is a gift. 💝
Thank you, it means a lot. I was super scared to hit publish on this one.
I know its a simple line, but I really could feel the emotion behind that, "FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK YYYYOOOOUUU!!!"
This must have felt awesome to release.
I've had my own Mom and Mother-in-law issues, and I can say with confidence it feels good to actually tell them how you feel and then set real boundaries. My relationship with my mom has been strained over the past few years because I finally told her how I felt and then didn't take calls for about 6 months. It hurt to hurt her, but It's also not my responsibility to just take her bullshit. I think it worked out for the better for both of us. She's made real efforts to fix the problem. I'm really proud she stopped try to be waiting back home for me and my sister (neither of us need it), and she moved out to NM like she always wanted to.
One day, you should write your mom a letter and share some of this with her. I have a complicated relationship with mine too.
I’m not as generous as you with big things like helping her get a car or a house, but I’ve been supporting her financially since I was a teenager. It’s always felt like I’m the adult and she’s the child. Just be careful not to let her take advantage of you emotionally, financially, or physically.
I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries with mine since becoming a mom. It’s definitely hard because I want to be compassionate but she always drives me up the motherfucking wall. 😆
Thank you for this, and well done for expressing it. I know the pain of a narcissistic mother well. They, unfortunately, have no interest in changing and will never do so. The best you can learn to do is stand up for yourself and know you are not what they judge you to be - you are good enough. I cut my mother out of my life in my 20s and, for me, it was the best thing I've ever done. I don't miss her at all. Hang in there. X
Thank you so much, Lisa, for your kind words. This was difficult for me to hit publish on, I had no idea I’d get this kind of warm response from people. It really means a lot. I’ve literally never known how to talk about this to anyone but my best friend, and even then, I’ve been embarrassed to talk about it. It’s hard for me because it’s never been like textbook abuse, I wasn’t beaten physically or neglected. I know my mom cares and means well, she’s not a bad person at the end of the day, she’s just a kid who had a kid too young and never emotionally matured and she did the best she could. So I always felt triple guilty talking badly about her, but suffering in silence is agonizing.
Nobody should have to suffer in silence. It's okay to have boundaries and to talk about how things affect you. Sounds like your mum is a bit different to mine, who simply isn't a good person unfortunately. Thank you, you've inspired me to share a bit about my upbringing and life on my notes. You're right, it is difficult to hit that button, but it is nice not to have to hide!
Wow
Loved this down to my bones.
I know how hard it is to be stuck in the guilt – I had a flareup of guilt for being no contact when my brother and sister both stopped talking to her because she is such an unbelievable monster.
Got through it though.
Just want to say, my note was not meant to be advise to you to go no contact at this particular moment, but was more of a general upwelling of my relief that I’m no contact and a continuing commitment to myself to never have anything to do with her because she’s so unspeakably vile.
All this to say, wow, can I relate!! These trolling, phenomenally violent, horrifyingly mentally damaged mothers annihilate us in ways that are extremely difficult to articulate, live with and heal from.
Telling the truth about what absolute torturers they are is the first step.
We are their children, not their therapists!
It is not our jobs to extend empathy and compassion to someone whose absolute goal in life is to kill us, to murder our souls, crucify our hearts and grind our spirits into dust.
Thank you for sharing
https://substack.com/@martinzuzak/note/c-130177133?r=3en26e
I’ve had a full on “fuck you” moment a few times to mine. I still get triggered when I need to speak to her. She gave me borderline tendencies and ADHD from the environment I was in as well as social anxiety …I’m trying to release the rage but it’s not easy.
I’m very sorry to hear that you have the same struggles. It just sucks. No two ways about it. I’m sending you hugs, you’re not alone!
Can I just say, I love this and empathise with it so much. I'd say these things too, if I could. Subscribed! Love your work.
OMG thank you SO much! I’m absolutely blown away by the response to this. I never intended to write something like this and publish it, I just broke one day and I needed to get things off my chest or I’d explode. I was terrified to hit publish too. I’m grateful that you can empathize but also I’m sorry you have to deal with this too. Sending you hugs!
I truly feel your pain—deeply and completely. We’re in the same boat. Over time, I’ve learned to set boundaries and keep my distance, but even then, the emotions can be overwhelming. No matter how much anger or resentment we carry, our soft hearts still drift back to the memories… to the thought of them. And just like that, the walls we built begin to crumble, and we find ourselves having to rebuild again—this time while dealing with hateful messages that only add to the hurt.
In my case, it hasn’t just been my parents. My siblings have also sided with them, leaving me isolated and on the outside. I cut ties with my entire family three and a half years ago, but the jealousy they carry toward me still lingers. It shows in the cruel texts they send—triggered by things I may never understand.
Sometimes, I wish I could see the world through their eyes—just to make sense of it. Because I can’t understand how someone can have children and yet feel no care for them… not even love.
This is everything I wish my son had the power to tell his birth mother. Thank you for sharing 💞
It sounds like this mother has deep trauma issues that she needs to work through. Behaviour like this doesn't come from nowhere.
You’re exactly right @Rebecca Rosengrave